I was 8 years old waking up from a day dream. Heart pounding I thought, "Where am I, who am I... why am I?"
The thoughts I was thinking were connected to something greater as if I were the floating thought itself and that I could be anywhere and anything at any time. It was almost difficult to come to terms with the fact that I was here on earth in that moment.
The idea that I was in it for the long hall and the only way out was death. It was scary, because the fate of all mortals is to eventually transition out of a physical body through the dreaded event of death. I decided these thoughts weren't of a typical 8-year-old when I asked other 8-year-olds and they didn't seem to be asking the questions or attempting the answers.
Trying to figure out why I was here, I would ask questions about the world and why things were the way they were for some and not others: why were some in pain and suffering, why some were born into it, why some were rich or poor, and why some died young while others lived.
My dad and I would ask these questions as we walked in a park that I basically grew up in. We would discuss things like God, and the mysteries of life together and still do today. We would discuss experiences; like how one can feel someones' gaze though they have their back to the person. We decided that we were predisposed to being neurotic or highly sensitive.
At some point before 8 years, I knew I had been able to choose my parents. I even had a "memory" of being in a Toy R us, but the memory was in an aerial view above the shelving before I was born. I could see my parents picking out a teddy bear under the fluorescent lighting in the warehouse-like building with white and grey walls and concrete floors. They told me that they bought this bear to be my mom's focal point during labor. They eventually gave it to me and it became my safe object. It was the item I clung to at day care when my parents were at work. It was the bear I would need to fall asleep at 3 and 4.
In order to be a memory a person is present, so if I wasn't born yet, then how was I able to see Toys R us?
These are some of the questions I write to you about...the things I have answered for myself and other questions still unsolved.
God love you,